05 March 2018

Would you ever take a chance with me? \ Would you ever take a leap with me?
— Skrillex , Would You Ever

Rehashing conversations: I’m not quite sure if this is something that happens as one gets older, or if it’s just affecting me. Regularly, I find myself having nearly identical conversations to those prior. Maybe it’s because my realm of discussion is limited, or because I am objectively bad at maintaining relationships, but in either event, I feel that I am always coming back to the same points.

This is not to say that I am constantly having the same conversation over and over, but more so when I have discourse with another individual it feels as though I am just recounting the same stories told prior or reciting the same, time-tested, reasons for my own opinions and beliefs.

This has lead to a general level of frustration in my life partly, I believe, due to the fact that I don’t maintain relationships well which leads to a virtuous cycle of catching-up and thus the rehashing of the same past-life events and beliefs over and over again. Inevitably, I always allow the withering to occur; I’ll be close with someone for some time and then drift away with future social encounters relegated to “let’s do lunch sometime” or the like. On the other hand, I wonder if this is aggravating because I am easy to anger, such that maybe this rehashing is part of normal human discourse and that people who are good at speaking to others don’t feel bothered by constantly hitting on the same points like a salesman of a product: him/herself.

I should add that this lack of stimulating conservation has compounded additional factors to lead me to a low point — I feel overcome by laziness and general frustration. I’m still without an internship for the summer while I see all my friends, and acquaintances landing their dream positions, and have recently been struck by an insurmountable tidal wave of sluggishness leading me to avoid going on the bike or working more actively on my research.

As with all things in life, I am aware that this disposition is only temporary and that the best outcome will arise if I just carry on, but I am driven to make a mark of this moment. To call to attention the frustration I feel with constantly rehashing the same conversations, talking points, and ideals over-and-over again with people to the point that I simply want to stop interacting.

I want to revive the intellectually stimulating conversations of yesteryear. The large, ambiguous and philosophically objectionable questions that friends and foe alike would raise about a given topic. I want to discuss the morality and ethics of everyday life rather than just why Bitcoin is an illiquid currency, or why using deep learning makes particular sense for my research.

Despite my desire for change I’m not quite sure how to accomplish it, and that’s why I decided to write this so that I could say I tried to do something. So, for now, I’ll keep trying; let’s talk soon, and hopefully, it’ll be new.